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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend before going to Mars?

Because he needed space.

A man walked into a museum and asked the curator, “Do you have any exhibits on the history of toilet paper?”

The curator replied, “Actually, we have an entire room dedicated to the evolution of the toilet seat.”

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. As he was sipping his drink, he heard a voice say, “Nice socks!” He looked down at his feet and saw that they were indeed very colorful.

He turned to the bartender and asked, “Did you hear that voice?” The bartender replied, “Oh, it’s just the peanuts. They’re always complimentary.”

A man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I’ve been feeling really tired lately.”

The doctor replied, “I think I know what’s wrong with you – you’re just running on empty.”

A man went to the dentist and said, “Doc, I’ve been having some problems with my teeth – they’re always on the wrong side of the mouth.”

A woman brought her dog to the vet and said, “Doc, I’ve noticed that my dog has been acting really strange lately.”

The vet replied, “What’s been going on?”

The woman explained, “Well, he’s been barking a lot at strangers, but whenever I’m around, he’s quiet as a mouse.”

The vet nodded thoughtfully and said, “I think I know what the problem is – he’s having an identity crisis.”

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian, “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrödinger’s cat?”

The librarian replied, “That’s an interesting combination of topics. However, I think we’ve already checked that book… it’s currently in a superposition of being both here and not here.”

A man walked into a coffee shop and ordered a latte.

As he was waiting for his drink, he noticed a guy sitting across from him, sipping on a cup of coffee.

The man asked, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re wearing a name tag. What’s your job?”

The guy replied, “I’m a barista.”

A man walked into a bank and asked the teller, “How much money do you have on deposit for me today?”

The teller replied, “We have $1,000 deposited for you.”

The man smiled and said, “That’s great, but I’m not looking for that amount. Can you give me the interest rate?”

A man walked into a doctor’s office and said, “Doc, I’ve been having some weird dreams lately.”

The doctor replied, “Can you tell me more about them?”

The man said, “Well, last night I dreamed I was a chicken.”

The doctor nodded thoughtfully and said, “I think we should scratch that problem.”