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A man’s wife told him he was drawing his eyebrows too high.

He replied, “Well, at least I’m not lowering my standards.”

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. As he was sipping his drink, he heard a voice say, “Nice mustache!” He looked around, but there was nobody nearby who could have said it.

He asked the bartender, “Did you hear that voice?”

The bartender replied, “Oh, it’s just the peanuts. They’re always complimentary.”

Here’s one:

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian, “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrödinger’s cat?” The librarian replied, “It looks like we’re experiencing a bit of quantum uncertainty. Let me check.” She checked the catalog, then looked at him, and said, “I’m afraid it’s not here… yet.”

Here’s one:

A man is sitting on a bench when he meets his old high school sweetheart. They reminisce about their past, and as they’re catching up, she asks him to take her to dinner.

He agrees, but only if she promises to be on her best behavior. She laughs and says, “Deal!”

Here’s one:

A man walked into a doctor’s office and said, “Doc, I’ve been feeling really strange lately. Every time I look in the mirror, I see someone else staring back at me.”

The doctor replied, “Don’t worry, it’s just your reflection.”

Here’s one:

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. As he was sipping his drink, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie!” He looked around, but there was nobody nearby who could have said it.

A few minutes later, he heard the same voice say, “Beautiful shirt!” Again, he looked around, but he couldn’t find anyone who might have spoken.

A few more minutes passed, and he heard the voice say, “Great haircut!” This time, he decided to investigate. He asked the bartender, “Did you hear that voice?”

The bartender replied, “Oh, it’s just the peanuts. They’re complementary.”

Here’s one:

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian, “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrödinger’s cat?”

The librarian replied, “It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

Why did the astronaut take his pillow to the moon?

Because he wanted to have a soft landing!

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A spoon.

(It’s a surprisingly sharp wit, even if it is just a utensil!)